Let’s be straight with each other from the beginning. I’m a rambler. It’s inevitable that this blog will often get off topic. However, in this first post I’d like to try to give a somewhat coherent explanation of why that is and how I’ve come to terms with this particular quirk of my personality.

I have ADD. Not AD/HD, yes there are people who don’t have both. It’s a lot harder for those of us who don’t have the hyperactive part to be diagnosed in fact, because it’s easier to hide. As I did for many years! In grade school, it was easy. My classes didn’t require a lot of hardcore studying. I went to a small school and was naturally smart enough to squeeze by and still graduate in the top 10. Growing up my mom kept my schedule and reminded me to do things.

But college, that was another matter altogether. Cramming the night before didn’t cut it anymore. Even when I found my true calling in English, writing papers at the last minute just barely cut it and that wasn’t what I wanted. If I could make a B on a first draft, what would a fully researched and edited final draft look like? I loved these classes and I still couldn’t function like a “regular person”. It sent me into a roller coaster of depression every semester. 

Finally, after some loving prodding by my mother (thanks Mom!) I went to therapy and discovered I’d been coping with undiagnosed ADD. Light bulbs went off! So that’s why I couldn’t tell a story front to back without going off on a rabbit trail at least twice… why I was almost always late no matter how early I tried to leave… why deadlines were huge impassable mountains. There were even really weird things I never realized were related to my ADD: why I could never remember where to put dishes in a house I grew up in… why it was so hard to cook and I always seemed to forget a key ingredient. Oh and get this, why I ran into door frames so often! 

Let me start by saying, medication is not the answer for everyone, but for me, it helps tremendously. And it is NEVER the end all, be all. I continued seeing a therapist for quite a while to learn other coping mechanisms and still read/study how I can help work on myself. There’s a great book called Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD: Beyond Piles, Palms, & Post Its by Terry Matlen that’s helped me a lot. It was amazing to read other women’s struggles and realize that I wasn’t alone. Also interesting was when they talked about how women in particular are riddled with guilt about their struggles. It was liberating to read that the way I felt was normal and that it was ok I functioned differently than everyone else.

I truly think that my ADD is the reason I’m so good at certain things. My brain makes connections in literature that others usually don’t because I don’t think laterally. I will also get around to the PSA part of this post and say that if you feel like you might have ADD or AD/HD to get help! I felt like I was a failure for not being able to function at the level other people did and it was devastating for my self esteem and consequently my health for a long time. I still have struggles but talking about it openly with the people I love and getting professional help has made tremendous strides toward me functioning at a regular level. I still tend to overload myself sometimes but at least now I can recognize it before I go into a panic and then down spiral that inevitably comes of disappointing myself again. So read a book, get help, tell a friend, but don’t deal with it on your own. Believe me, it will take you down dark roads.

I’ll save the way society ignores disabilities like this for another post.

Coming soon: I delve into the 50 canonical Sci Fi movies according to John Scalzi and explain why I have this blog.